The Most Surprising Thing I’ve Learned as a Father
"What I thought parenthood would require was knowledge. What it has actually required is openness"
I get a lot of questions from my husband about our daughter, but one of the most common responses that comes out of my mouth these days is, “I don’t know.”
I say it all the time.
Why is she crying?
I don’t know.
Is she hungry?
I don’t know.
Why did she wake up at five in the morning?
I don’t know.
Is she teething?
Maybe. I don’t know.
This surprises both of us because, on paper, I should probably know this. My professional life revolves around caring for newborns and helping parents navigate the uncertainties of early childhood. If there were anyone who should have all of these answers, it would probably be me.
And yet, almost daily, when my husband asks me a question about our daughter, I find myself responding with those same three words. “I don’t know”
Because the truth is that becoming a parent has taught me just how much of childhood exists beyond explanation.
Medicine has trained me to search for patterns. Families come to me because they are looking for reassurance, guidance, and answers. My job often involves helping parents distinguish between what is normal and what is concerning, between what requires intervention and what simply requires patience. There is tremendous value in that work, and I love doing it.
But raising my own child has reminded me that children are not clinical problems to be solved. They are people becoming themselves, and the experience of watching that happen from the inside is entirely different from observing it professionally.
When I see children in my practice, I might see them every few weeks or every few months. The changes are obvious. They’ve gained weight, learned a new skill, become more verbal, more coordinated, more independent. But those changes happen in snapshots.
At home, I see these changes happening in real time. Even overnight! Every morning I wake up and it feels as though something about my daughter has shifted. A new expression. A new interest. A different way of interacting with the world. A new sense of humor. A new frustration. A new curiosity.
It’s as if she wakes up each day slightly more herself than she was the day before. What I thought parenthood would require was knowledge. What it has actually required is openness.
As parents, we spend so much time worrying about whether we’re doing enough. Are they sleeping enough? Eating enough? Are they hungry? Are they learning enough? Developing appropriately? We become consumed by measurements, schedules, milestones and ANSWERS!
And yet when I think about the moments that have mattered most to me as a father, they are moments of wonder. Moments of questioning. Moments when I am reminded that childhood is not something to be managed or answered. Moments when I DON’T KNOW.
My daughter has brought more uncertainty into my life than I expected. But what surprises me most is that I no longer find those words uncomfortable. Instead, they have become one of the greatest gifts of parenthood. Because on the other side of “I don’t know” is curiosity, expansion and the discovery of who my daughter is, and who I am becoming as a father.
This Father’s Day, that’s what I find myself most grateful for.
Love,
Dr. Max